WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

What would you do if you were me?

Would you decide to avoid been taken on those rocks at 9? 

Would you decide not to get fondled all the time 

by strange men that were friends, neighbors and family? 

What would you have done at 13 on the run? 

Running from your family because they don't understand you

even when your not wrong they still reprimand you. 

How would you deal with your uncle raping you

not knowing that his ugliness was slowly shaping you? 

How would you escape from the memories and pain? 

How would you salvage you from the stain? 

How would you handle your 1st consented sexual excursion? 

How could you be certain?  

Do you think you could endure, 

without turning out a whore, or even, an addict? 

Would you panic or be composed 

pack them away neatly or explode? 

Would you loose your mind, 

Or walk around looking crazy all the time, 

can't even concentrate but your forced to walk a line? 

Would you  kill yourself spazzing from the pain of being you? 

I grew

But what would you do?

-Moshia'

FRIENDS

Some friends are easy to lose

You know the ones that use you anyway

Sad to say 

But friends can be condescending 

smiling; all the while pretending

They can't wait to see you fall off track

Get with their other friends 

And talk about you behind your back

Ha ha ha

You've got some nerve trying to give me that 

Thinking you deserve to have real friends

 I don't have time to teach you 

But I'm confident Karma will reach you 

The end...

ALONE AGAIN

Well I am free again. For the first time in my life, I got dumped. Lol. Serves me right. Anyway every other time I thought it was over I cried my eyes out, thinking of all the things I would miss. But I don't keep dwelling on things that are not soon to change. It didn't make us happy. He obsessed about inconsequential things and maybe so did I. But as I told him before we got started, I sincerely hope we both find happiness, I still say the same now. I have come to the realization that I am not ready for love. I will never be if my honesty and openness will always be used as a weapon against me. I refuse to be treated as a whore, when I know my intentions are pure. He taught me something though, fear and paranoia will drive you to destroying all possibility of happiness. I saw myself in him. But I will not allow my fears to destroy me. I wanna love him but he's too far from me.

I remember in the beginning

I had the feeling he was not mine

Now I feel stupid

I should have listened to my guide

And avoided all this pain inside

Still, I had to prove it

I don't mind being alone or celibate

But he felt so good in my arms

And I'll miss the way he looked at me

Always telling me I'm beautiful

To be truthful those days quickly passed anyway

He was more concerned with my pass than today

Here I am right before you

Open to you

So inlove

Yet you're distracted

My past is all you can think of

Presently, I am here waiting for you to love me

But you're distraction tells

Exactly what you think of me

Shame on me

For not trusting myself

And going back on my word

I deserve...

-Moshia'

PENETRATE ME

I wanna make love to you

Not just sex for sex sake

Real love, you inside of me

And I inside of you

Our hearts and minds

And bodies connected

But when I reach out

I feel so rejected

My heart hurts

And my body aches

Let's just make love

For loves sake

Put the stars back in my eyes

While I submit with open thighs

My heart is open too

As we join I can think of only you

Make love to me papi

Make me feel like you love me

Worship every inch of my skin

Touch and taste me

Penetrate me

With your warm affections

This feels so right

So why does everything else go so wrong?

-Moshia'

THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS # 25

I missed him, so I stopped reading, stopped writing and decided to ask him to come in the room and chill with me. I thought a movie would be nice, a massage and a head start maybe. He was watching the reviews of some game on tv.. How about he told me I was selfish, Is there anyone out there with a penis, where did I go wrong? HUH? I just started to cry and decided I wanted back my old life. It made more sense.
I need to stop obsessing about him and focus on manifesting.
Focus is everything, which is why I'm very careful about what I choose to focus on. Always guarding my eye gates and ears, to only let the good in so I can stay positive and focus on good things. Some people find the way I choose to live aggravating, but it's my life and my choice, they need to go make some decisions of their own. This is how the broken butterfly roll. I know myself, I know what's best for me. I've made certain decisions along the way and while I'm willing to share my life and compromise certain things, the things regarding my mental health and emotional stability are written in stone. If that's hard to understand I suggest leaving me alone.
I don't watch the news, I don't read tabloids, I prefer not to listen to music that degrades women, I don't indulge in watching prejudice, perverted or twisted movies, and that's just me. This might seem geeky but that's just me. These choices were made of necessity, because they are indeed necessary. Every man has a right to choose. I AM woman and I have chosen. Some say I am crazy and I live in my own world, but we all do, it just happens I'm not pointing the finger at you.
I try not to infringe upon the rights of others. I Try to understand their pain, I try to act accordingly, It's etched in my brain. I require the same kindness. I fully realize that everyone has issues and I can accept people for who they are or leave them to grow, I require the same.

I can't be the picture you'd like to paint
And I won't get bent out of shape
I am already a masterpiece
But you keep trying to recreate me
If you can't love me the way I am
Leave me alone 
To find someone who can...

-Moshia'

#icanonlybeme...

MY THOUGHTS ON SEX

I like to have sex

And when I do

It feels like I become one with my lover

He and I wrapped up in each other

Our hearts clap hands in unison

The separation ends temporarily

Our breathing and movements match perfectly

We vibrate on the same plane

We create love

Express love

We connect and combine energy

Every-time he makes love to me

All that we are becomes one

New life has begun

I Love making love to a partner 

That loves me and I him

This way it actually has meaning

Sex should be sacred

Between 1 man and 1 woman

Who are totally in love 

It is the ultimate expression of 

LOVE

Mating, Joining, coupling 

Skin connecting to skin

Connecting to heart 

Connecting to body and soul

Sometimes MIND too

Total oneness just between us two 

That's where we create

And recreate ourselves

Multiplying and manifesting

Now we're really sexing

Without the glove

I think sex is best

When you're in-love...

-Moshia'

#justmythoughts...

THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS # 24

I've been reading "Sex Magic for Beginners " by Skye Alexander (a book about sexual transmutation), which I thought would be very sexual, but actually it's very metaphysical. Had I truly believed it was metaphysical, I would have already read it.
Anyway it discusses intention, writing to manifest, the power of words, even the effects of words on water. 
I am very impressed ( 6 chapters in ).















Yesterday I wrote Courtney a poem called "You Are Beautiful". It's strange but, he just walked out the door on to the balcony where I sat reading my book and asked "are you writing" I responded "no", and then he went back in. I smiled inside and grabbed my pencil and book to write and voila.

Each time I write
There is something inside me
That's always ready to criticize me
It always tells me "you can do better"
Which leaves me feeling dissatisfied
No matter how hard I tried

I'm not angry with my art
But I always thought
The best part was the feeling of fulfillment
Maybe I don't feel this
Because all of this is just practice
To get my feet
On fulfillment street

Well thanks I feel much better
I'll just continue without getting weary
One day the world will feel me
And I will feel fulfilled
Anyway
These lines brought me much comfort
Thank you Source
All the praise is yours...

-Moshia'