THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS # 22

ON the 1st day of the month I woke up feeling separate from my lover, still tired, blah. Then looked outside to find I was missing my car. It rained all day on and off, outside and in.
I felt for the 1st time in a long time, the crushing, crippling weight of my life's troubles boxing me in. I cried and threw things, I stretched, danced and wrote, but my heart was still alone somewhere on a deserted island. He told me several different times in several different ways we wouldn't last. Said he needed to go back to his ways in the past.
I use to feel special around him, now I feel like a burden, a leper again. I wanted so bad to be lovers and friends, but sometimes It feels like we just f*** and pretend. I am not happy, neither is he, sometimes we just pretend to be. I don't know what to do, love seems so unstable and my heart is confused, all this tug o war is love abuse.
Why can't we all just get along? Is wanting peace and ka'necctedness wrong? Everyone tells me how strong I am, but I feel so weak, always getting carried away by the words they speak. I was minding my own business when you sought me out. Now I live under your spotlight, what's that about? Seems to me you moved me where you wanted me to be, with your love-filled speech. I was an eager student, love was within reach.
But alas every thought I knew was fact. I went around in circles, just to arrive back at the truth. It didn't change, I did. I gave up most of me, just to see, I was right at 1st blush. Love should never be in a rush. If he loves me he'll wait, but he was spoiled and hasty, letting go was tasty, but now love's in ruins, only thing left is screwing, and I dry as the desert. Think I'll skip dessert and find for my worth...

#startover

Surrounded by disappointment and hate... Still I levitate... And I always will remain that EVA POWAFUL dame...