I LIED
I am disappointed in me
When I should celebrate me
I am not a liar still I lied
To hide the thing I'd done
But deeply I was wounded
lying is no fun
Now I'm drowning in my own duplicity
Why lie to you
I'm just lying to me
So I confessed my sin
But the laughter in his eyes died just then
I felt filthy and rotten
Is all hope forgotten
Say it ain't so
Not when love just started to grow
Cause I wouldn't have confessed
Out of selfishness
It's because my love is true
I refuse to get comfortable lying to you
Let...True... Love... Last
#EWAY
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS #14
Yesterday I went out with Nitra. I left Brian's (my exhusband) house at about 4pm. Well by 10pm when I hadn't yet returned, he started to behave like we were married again. He was angry because I had been gone longer that he deemed acceptable. I couldn't answer his onslaught of questions, so I hurried him off the phone. He text me poison, I text back apologetically and he didn't answer. so I rushed home to find him gone. Said he was going out for a lil to clear his head (so he wanted me home before he went out to be sure I was in the house) why you f****** lunatic, what's the purpose? Off that.. 2:30 am he comes home drunk with alot on his mind ( notice the time) ready to talk, when I am sleeping. I suppose he didn't like my attitude and my protests that I was tired and he was unreasonable, fell on deaf ears. So he told me be sure you're gone tomorrow. I asked him to help me pack, since I had broken my arm and just had surgery on my left wrist earlier in the month. He told me no in many words. I got up yelling a string of profanities jumped in my car ( I am not suppose to drive )and left. Long story short he is the same man I left and I am glad I don't love him.
I pray with all my heart I can get away this time and with all my belongings in tact and in tow. I felt those feelings of despair and worthlessness, imprisonment, the bars slamming shut, the shackles tightening on my wrist and ankles. I felt alone, stupid, pitiful, hurt and angry, ugly, disappointed, like I wanted to die. Nothing changed, 3 years just passed by and somehow I managed to run back to the place I almost died, to once again be trapped and ensnared by the same demon, via helplessness, injury instead of pregnancy. I have no where to run to again and no one else to help me. My savior and my jailer. I don't understand anything anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel so powerless. I use to feel loved by the creator, but now I feel alone, helpless and hopeless, like I gave away all my power when I walked through his door and the longer I stay here the more weak and powerless I become. On my way back to sickness and misery. I curse that day I put on those skates, I curse the day i got that phone call from Gaat. I can't go back in time and undo these things. I can do nothing in my present state. I can't pack my car I have no where to go and I keep asking for help but I don't see any. I am tired of hoping for something good to happen to me. I do't see any evidence that what I hope for is even possible, in fact there is more evidence of the opposite. I feel weak and downtrodden like I didn't learn or grow at all since I was here last. Why is it that the only man that tried his best to destroy me, is the only one you can find to help me? What ever I've done please forgive me, my heart is in a million pieces, my dreams shattered on the floor. I feel like life is attacking me everywhere I go.
I've lost faith in me. Who am I? such a waste of breath, a quivering mass of leaking, sobbing useless flesh. I want so much to believe in rainbows and butterflies, but I only see them on tv.
Is it wrong to harbor a good thought?
To hope and dream of something good?
Is it wrong to expect my dreams to come true?
Is love, beauty and peace too much to ask for?
Is life worth living, the pain and struggle worth enduring, without good prevailing?
Dry my tears oh great one
Give me a glimse of hope
Help me cope
show me what I'm missing
Cause I know this can't be it
There has to be something better than this
#EWAY
Yesterday I went out with Nitra. I left Brian's (my exhusband) house at about 4pm. Well by 10pm when I hadn't yet returned, he started to behave like we were married again. He was angry because I had been gone longer that he deemed acceptable. I couldn't answer his onslaught of questions, so I hurried him off the phone. He text me poison, I text back apologetically and he didn't answer. so I rushed home to find him gone. Said he was going out for a lil to clear his head (so he wanted me home before he went out to be sure I was in the house) why you f****** lunatic, what's the purpose? Off that.. 2:30 am he comes home drunk with alot on his mind ( notice the time) ready to talk, when I am sleeping. I suppose he didn't like my attitude and my protests that I was tired and he was unreasonable, fell on deaf ears. So he told me be sure you're gone tomorrow. I asked him to help me pack, since I had broken my arm and just had surgery on my left wrist earlier in the month. He told me no in many words. I got up yelling a string of profanities jumped in my car ( I am not suppose to drive )and left. Long story short he is the same man I left and I am glad I don't love him.
I pray with all my heart I can get away this time and with all my belongings in tact and in tow. I felt those feelings of despair and worthlessness, imprisonment, the bars slamming shut, the shackles tightening on my wrist and ankles. I felt alone, stupid, pitiful, hurt and angry, ugly, disappointed, like I wanted to die. Nothing changed, 3 years just passed by and somehow I managed to run back to the place I almost died, to once again be trapped and ensnared by the same demon, via helplessness, injury instead of pregnancy. I have no where to run to again and no one else to help me. My savior and my jailer. I don't understand anything anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel so powerless. I use to feel loved by the creator, but now I feel alone, helpless and hopeless, like I gave away all my power when I walked through his door and the longer I stay here the more weak and powerless I become. On my way back to sickness and misery. I curse that day I put on those skates, I curse the day i got that phone call from Gaat. I can't go back in time and undo these things. I can do nothing in my present state. I can't pack my car I have no where to go and I keep asking for help but I don't see any. I am tired of hoping for something good to happen to me. I do't see any evidence that what I hope for is even possible, in fact there is more evidence of the opposite. I feel weak and downtrodden like I didn't learn or grow at all since I was here last. Why is it that the only man that tried his best to destroy me, is the only one you can find to help me? What ever I've done please forgive me, my heart is in a million pieces, my dreams shattered on the floor. I feel like life is attacking me everywhere I go.
I've lost faith in me. Who am I? such a waste of breath, a quivering mass of leaking, sobbing useless flesh. I want so much to believe in rainbows and butterflies, but I only see them on tv.
Is it wrong to harbor a good thought?
To hope and dream of something good?
Is it wrong to expect my dreams to come true?
Is love, beauty and peace too much to ask for?
Is life worth living, the pain and struggle worth enduring, without good prevailing?
Dry my tears oh great one
Give me a glimse of hope
Help me cope
show me what I'm missing
Cause I know this can't be it
There has to be something better than this
#EWAY
Sunday, May 6, 2012
METAPHYSICS
The law of the mind never fails. Even when it delivers to us the things and conditions we do not like, it has still functioned perfectly. Our use of it determines our experience, and wise is the man who only thinks rightly. Prayer, scientifically understood, is a statement of physical fact. It convinces us that good alone is true, and right alone is victorious. As we are convinced of these facts, the result are brought into our live by the law of life. The psalmist advises us to delight in the law of the lord, which is the law of mind. He suggests that we think about this law both day and night. We may have what we want but we must think it definitely and continuously, in order to have it made manifest. Thanksgiving in prayer is vital, for it makes us believe we already have our good. When the idea is established within us, it then takes form around us.
I give thanks that there is a perfect law of mind, and that I am able to use it. God responds to me as I responds to him. I now turn to the indwelling spirit and affirm it's presence. I know that that every desire in my heart is being established unto me today. I place desires in the Law of good, and rejoice that It's perfect action is now taking place in me, around me. All this day I remind myself that my demonstration already are made. I give thanks in advance for the answers to my prayers. My whole being is open and receptive to that good which is now arriving on my doorstep.
I rest in the law and meditate upon it's accuracy.
An excerpt from: 365 days of Richer Lining By Ernest Holmes and Raymond Charles Barker
Today is the best day of my life, and I always AM EVA POWAFUL...
#EWAY
The law of the mind never fails. Even when it delivers to us the things and conditions we do not like, it has still functioned perfectly. Our use of it determines our experience, and wise is the man who only thinks rightly. Prayer, scientifically understood, is a statement of physical fact. It convinces us that good alone is true, and right alone is victorious. As we are convinced of these facts, the result are brought into our live by the law of life. The psalmist advises us to delight in the law of the lord, which is the law of mind. He suggests that we think about this law both day and night. We may have what we want but we must think it definitely and continuously, in order to have it made manifest. Thanksgiving in prayer is vital, for it makes us believe we already have our good. When the idea is established within us, it then takes form around us.
I give thanks that there is a perfect law of mind, and that I am able to use it. God responds to me as I responds to him. I now turn to the indwelling spirit and affirm it's presence. I know that that every desire in my heart is being established unto me today. I place desires in the Law of good, and rejoice that It's perfect action is now taking place in me, around me. All this day I remind myself that my demonstration already are made. I give thanks in advance for the answers to my prayers. My whole being is open and receptive to that good which is now arriving on my doorstep.
I rest in the law and meditate upon it's accuracy.
An excerpt from: 365 days of Richer Lining By Ernest Holmes and Raymond Charles Barker
Today is the best day of my life, and I always AM EVA POWAFUL...
#EWAY
Friday, May 4, 2012
THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS # 12
Why do men feel like they are free to do as they please while they imprison the women they claim to love? Is love a prison with steel bars and glass doors
That shatter every time we say no more?
What is all this?
Unbalanced scales is what you practice.
You don't answer all night and you're sorry.
I don't answer for half an hour and I'm guilty as sin.
Got me running around to please him
But what about me
Are you too blind to see
I am a person too boo
With feelings just like you
But still I wonder
Did you study the desire that brought you under
Guess whats true for you
Is true for me too
Love looses it's luster on selfish street
Maybe we should watch what we eat
Lies and deceit
killing the rose that grows
from the concrete.
LET... LOVE... LAST... LONGER
#EWAY
Why do men feel like they are free to do as they please while they imprison the women they claim to love? Is love a prison with steel bars and glass doors
That shatter every time we say no more?
What is all this?
Unbalanced scales is what you practice.
You don't answer all night and you're sorry.
I don't answer for half an hour and I'm guilty as sin.
Got me running around to please him
But what about me
Are you too blind to see
I am a person too boo
With feelings just like you
But still I wonder
Did you study the desire that brought you under
Guess whats true for you
Is true for me too
Love looses it's luster on selfish street
Maybe we should watch what we eat
Lies and deceit
killing the rose that grows
from the concrete.
LET... LOVE... LAST... LONGER
#EWAY
Thursday, May 3, 2012
THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS # 11
Last night was great. I felt so open and connected to him.
We stared in each others eyes and played love songs and shared our deepest feelings. I also shared a page or two of my diary with him, exposing my most guarded truths. I felt vulnerable, yet I trusted him with everything.
My heart is fragile
Here hold it
It's yours anyway
I can't control it
You undo my resistance
Unlock me completely
Even I am surprised
At the me I see
Since your love filled my heart
I tried to hold it
But love slipped through my fingers
With no regard
I drink him in with my eyes
Take him in deeply
To the place his love keeps me
Oh, I am getting carried away
Let's get back to today
We didn't make love in the wee hours
But we did
When he pulled me under the covers
Spooning me.
Then we slept peacefully
Umm umm umm
Merrrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
And I AM always EVA POWAFUL
#EWAY
Last night was great. I felt so open and connected to him.
We stared in each others eyes and played love songs and shared our deepest feelings. I also shared a page or two of my diary with him, exposing my most guarded truths. I felt vulnerable, yet I trusted him with everything.
My heart is fragile
Here hold it
It's yours anyway
I can't control it
You undo my resistance
Unlock me completely
Even I am surprised
At the me I see
Since your love filled my heart
I tried to hold it
But love slipped through my fingers
With no regard
I drink him in with my eyes
Take him in deeply
To the place his love keeps me
Oh, I am getting carried away
Let's get back to today
We didn't make love in the wee hours
But we did
When he pulled me under the covers
Spooning me.
Then we slept peacefully
Umm umm umm
Merrrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
And I AM always EVA POWAFUL
#EWAY
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS #10
He likes to look in my eyes and tell me what he wants in a way that
brings me under submission. It's a bit frightening to say the least. My heart
races now @ the very thought of it. I feel clear and present danger. I gave him
what he wanted. Now he knows it works. He knows I will submit to his brazen
demands. I use to want to give the things he asks, but locked those things,
that part of me away. Until now. Premature ejaculation, that's my best
description of that situation. He's an authoritarian though. What a tangled
web...
I don't know what I'm doing inner G.
I need you to give me clarity
Make my way clear
My heart and emotions are all caught up
Am straying so far from who I was brought up
But am handing it over to you
Letting it go
I'll just enjoy the ride
See where this goes
What else can I do
To thine ownself be true
Well I like where I am
All is well and all will end well too
Squash your fears
And just be you
Ever powerful #EWAY
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS #9
9:45 AM
Am I going crazy? I told him I love him last night and went far beyond where I comfortably dare! He told me if I didn't render certain services he would simply get them elsewhere. I did it. Not because I wanted to, because he pressured me to. I could tell a lie, but to myself I'm true. I don't know if it was the liquor or my inner freak, but I enjoyed letting go and I enjoyed the way it made me feel. Felt like I was going up, up and away ( lol ) till I thought I would burst from all the pressure. I like _. I like the way he makes me feel when we are out together, I like all the attention he gives me. I don't know why his being so god damn comfortable and sure of himself makes me so nervous. He knows so little of me and wants so much from me. I am afraid that one day he will change his mind and leave me feeling a fool. He's so thoughtful, great cook, love music, allows me to be myself and accepts me the way I am and I am not bombarded by any (other) female issues.
Is he just a great player
Is his heart true
Is he all I dreamed of and am just too scared
I suddenly feel so unprepared
What do I do inner G please instruct me
Don't let me love another man that don't love me
Don't let me degrade myself once more
And lose what I've fought so hard for
I deserve to be loved
Please let him be true
Better yet please let him love me like you
Always eva powaful... LET IT BE
#WAY
9:45 AM
Am I going crazy? I told him I love him last night and went far beyond where I comfortably dare! He told me if I didn't render certain services he would simply get them elsewhere. I did it. Not because I wanted to, because he pressured me to. I could tell a lie, but to myself I'm true. I don't know if it was the liquor or my inner freak, but I enjoyed letting go and I enjoyed the way it made me feel. Felt like I was going up, up and away ( lol ) till I thought I would burst from all the pressure. I like _. I like the way he makes me feel when we are out together, I like all the attention he gives me. I don't know why his being so god damn comfortable and sure of himself makes me so nervous. He knows so little of me and wants so much from me. I am afraid that one day he will change his mind and leave me feeling a fool. He's so thoughtful, great cook, love music, allows me to be myself and accepts me the way I am and I am not bombarded by any (other) female issues.
Is he just a great player
Is his heart true
Is he all I dreamed of and am just too scared
I suddenly feel so unprepared
What do I do inner G please instruct me
Don't let me love another man that don't love me
Don't let me degrade myself once more
And lose what I've fought so hard for
I deserve to be loved
Please let him be true
Better yet please let him love me like you
Always eva powaful... LET IT BE
#WAY
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