THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS #14
Yesterday I went out with Nitra. I left Brian's (my exhusband) house at about 4pm. Well by 10pm when I hadn't yet returned, he started to behave like we were married again. He was angry because I had been gone longer that he deemed acceptable. I couldn't answer his onslaught of questions, so I hurried him off the phone. He text me poison, I text back apologetically and he didn't answer. so I rushed home to find him gone. Said he was going out for a lil to clear his head (so he wanted me home before he went out to be sure I was in the house) why you f****** lunatic, what's the purpose? Off that.. 2:30 am he comes home drunk with alot on his mind ( notice the time) ready to talk, when I am sleeping. I suppose he didn't like my attitude and my protests that I was tired and he was unreasonable, fell on deaf ears. So he told me be sure you're gone tomorrow. I asked him to help me pack, since I had broken my arm and just had surgery on my left wrist earlier in the month. He told me no in many words. I got up yelling a string of profanities jumped in my car ( I am not suppose to drive )and left. Long story short he is the same man I left and I am glad I don't love him.
I pray with all my heart I can get away this time and with all my belongings in tact and in tow. I felt those feelings of despair and worthlessness, imprisonment, the bars slamming shut, the shackles tightening on my wrist and ankles. I felt alone, stupid, pitiful, hurt and angry, ugly, disappointed, like I wanted to die. Nothing changed, 3 years just passed by and somehow I managed to run back to the place I almost died, to once again be trapped and ensnared by the same demon, via helplessness, injury instead of pregnancy. I have no where to run to again and no one else to help me. My savior and my jailer. I don't understand anything anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel so powerless. I use to feel loved by the creator, but now I feel alone, helpless and hopeless, like I gave away all my power when I walked through his door and the longer I stay here the more weak and powerless I become. On my way back to sickness and misery. I curse that day I put on those skates, I curse the day i got that phone call from Gaat. I can't go back in time and undo these things. I can do nothing in my present state. I can't pack my car I have no where to go and I keep asking for help but I don't see any. I am tired of hoping for something good to happen to me. I do't see any evidence that what I hope for is even possible, in fact there is more evidence of the opposite. I feel weak and downtrodden like I didn't learn or grow at all since I was here last. Why is it that the only man that tried his best to destroy me, is the only one you can find to help me? What ever I've done please forgive me, my heart is in a million pieces, my dreams shattered on the floor. I feel like life is attacking me everywhere I go.
I've lost faith in me. Who am I? such a waste of breath, a quivering mass of leaking, sobbing useless flesh. I want so much to believe in rainbows and butterflies, but I only see them on tv.
Is it wrong to harbor a good thought?
To hope and dream of something good?
Is it wrong to expect my dreams to come true?
Is love, beauty and peace too much to ask for?
Is life worth living, the pain and struggle worth enduring, without good prevailing?
Dry my tears oh great one
Give me a glimse of hope
Help me cope
show me what I'm missing
Cause I know this can't be it
There has to be something better than this
#EWAY
Yesterday I went out with Nitra. I left Brian's (my exhusband) house at about 4pm. Well by 10pm when I hadn't yet returned, he started to behave like we were married again. He was angry because I had been gone longer that he deemed acceptable. I couldn't answer his onslaught of questions, so I hurried him off the phone. He text me poison, I text back apologetically and he didn't answer. so I rushed home to find him gone. Said he was going out for a lil to clear his head (so he wanted me home before he went out to be sure I was in the house) why you f****** lunatic, what's the purpose? Off that.. 2:30 am he comes home drunk with alot on his mind ( notice the time) ready to talk, when I am sleeping. I suppose he didn't like my attitude and my protests that I was tired and he was unreasonable, fell on deaf ears. So he told me be sure you're gone tomorrow. I asked him to help me pack, since I had broken my arm and just had surgery on my left wrist earlier in the month. He told me no in many words. I got up yelling a string of profanities jumped in my car ( I am not suppose to drive )and left. Long story short he is the same man I left and I am glad I don't love him.
I pray with all my heart I can get away this time and with all my belongings in tact and in tow. I felt those feelings of despair and worthlessness, imprisonment, the bars slamming shut, the shackles tightening on my wrist and ankles. I felt alone, stupid, pitiful, hurt and angry, ugly, disappointed, like I wanted to die. Nothing changed, 3 years just passed by and somehow I managed to run back to the place I almost died, to once again be trapped and ensnared by the same demon, via helplessness, injury instead of pregnancy. I have no where to run to again and no one else to help me. My savior and my jailer. I don't understand anything anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel so powerless. I use to feel loved by the creator, but now I feel alone, helpless and hopeless, like I gave away all my power when I walked through his door and the longer I stay here the more weak and powerless I become. On my way back to sickness and misery. I curse that day I put on those skates, I curse the day i got that phone call from Gaat. I can't go back in time and undo these things. I can do nothing in my present state. I can't pack my car I have no where to go and I keep asking for help but I don't see any. I am tired of hoping for something good to happen to me. I do't see any evidence that what I hope for is even possible, in fact there is more evidence of the opposite. I feel weak and downtrodden like I didn't learn or grow at all since I was here last. Why is it that the only man that tried his best to destroy me, is the only one you can find to help me? What ever I've done please forgive me, my heart is in a million pieces, my dreams shattered on the floor. I feel like life is attacking me everywhere I go.
I've lost faith in me. Who am I? such a waste of breath, a quivering mass of leaking, sobbing useless flesh. I want so much to believe in rainbows and butterflies, but I only see them on tv.
Is it wrong to harbor a good thought?
To hope and dream of something good?
Is it wrong to expect my dreams to come true?
Is love, beauty and peace too much to ask for?
Is life worth living, the pain and struggle worth enduring, without good prevailing?
Dry my tears oh great one
Give me a glimse of hope
Help me cope
show me what I'm missing
Cause I know this can't be it
There has to be something better than this
#EWAY
sometimes words will set you free, so feel free to express your feelings out loud, cuz we are here to listen, understand, and be here to hold your hand when you need us to... and if this is the only way you can get rid of all the hurt and pain then Im with you girl all the way....Keep filling my soul with your inspirational words....
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