FOOD FOR THOUGHT: LIGHT

If not for these scars and mental bars who would I be?
What would you see when you look at me?
Who would speak when I raise my voice?
Whose council would I keep?
Just imagine had I made different choices, or had I not these pain filled experiences?
Would I be careless or caring, to an emotion I had no part in, or would I be daring and rude because these feelings eluded me, excluded me exclusively? Unable to identify with your struggles, having not my own troubles to tend to how would I perceive it?
If experience makes us who we are, then how can pregnancy make one woman a mother, but not another?
It would seem that there's something internal we brought to this plane, after all the lies and betrayal, droughts and hurricanes, this alone remains the same. MAYBE I'M WRONG, AND IT'S JUST ME...

And as always I AM MOSHIA' EVA POWAFUL PEN...

THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS #21

Today marks the end of the long anticipated month of may. I swore this month would have been one of the best. I was wrong. I definitely wasn't lonely though. I felt loved sometimes @ others I felt insecure, lack and uncertainty.
I began to do things I shouldn't
Stopped doing things I should
But complaining will do me no good
Time to realign myself with my source

I think about things all day
But procrastinate
Which brings low the spirit
Inspiration dissipates
Just another form of self hate
We must face ourselves
And conquer our flaws
Otherwise life stagnates
Dreams put on pause
Till they are never to be realized
We grow old and unfulfilled
Sit around
Get drunk
Discuss what could have been
Nope
Not the life I crave
So I simply must behave
With more ambition and pride
Before hope commits suicide

EVA POWAFUL say my name...


#EWAY

VENTING IN MY DIARY

by Erica Freckleton

I wasted 20 years of my life having a bunch of kids that don't care about me. I  gave them life so they would love me, but they don't. I've spent the last 20 years bending over backwards to support and protect them. I've stripped, sold drugs, sold myself, gone to jail and stayed with a man who abused me for years. You name it, she's done it. She did it for love like Anthony Hamilton. She's still loveless.

Tears and regret she has plenty

Otherwise she's totally empty

I had hoped one day life would be kind to me

But my demise I was too blind to see

I would like to move on

But what's the use

Move to where

To what

For what

Guess I better hurry up

And lie to myself that life is great

Before god gets angry and retaliate

Thank you for my life, thank you for my health, Thank you for a place to park my car, a place to sleep and food to eat.

Thank you that I'm safe and free. I am gtrateful for all my good and I fully realize, nothing has to be good for me.

I am just a tool the universe uses to bare children and take care of people, and one day I will be useless to you

and only then will I die..

I just write away my blues, fears, and insecurities... I love my kids and I know they love me. People can be very selfish, especially children, (some) but experience changes things. I post after I write my self out of the wilderness of self pity to let others that are still there know they are not alone. And I know company offers comfort...

THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS # 20

It's a beautiful sunny south Florida day, and I find myself taking inventory of the things I wanted before love and the things I now want in love. Life is filled with many choices. Each choice either brings you closer to your dreams or further away from them. Love changes things, if you let it. However, if you stay put knowing you're not in the preferred position, and decidedly stay put, stay quiet, stay unheard and unfulfilled." If mi did know "! You will lose yourself, lose sight of your goals and ultimately your identity.

My money has gone funny
I had made certain steps to make sure
My money stayed tight
But forfeited them all for love and long Hott nights
Sometimes I get it
Sometimes it's rough
Sometimes It"s simply not enough
I am without my own funding
I really don't like this feeling
But if I get some elsewhere
It's shystie dealings
Ladies don't do that
They wait on their man
Hmm maybe am not a lady
Are my intentions shady
Cause I'm allergic to lack
I love this man
But I want my provisions back
I didn't have alot
But I held it down
Now I have love
And my money's gone funny
When love's not around I feel like a dummy
Dirty laundry piling up with deficit
Wow
Ghetto love is some crazy shit
Crazy huh
They say romance without finance
Is a nuisance hmm
But loneliness is a bitch
Gotta fight like Jennifer Hudson
On some gangsta type shit
I'm just venting my thoughts
I'd been starving so long
Now I'm getting fat in places
But my money's gone funny
Damn
I hope he love me...

By Erica Freckleton

More sides than a rubix cube... But am still the same EVA POWAFUL dame.... 
LET... LOVE... LAST...

THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS # 19

The last few days have been great. I have felt this deep connection with my Courtney. So deep. I love him so much, with all my heart I hope love lasts. He's so gentle and sweet yet so rough and playful. I think we have both relaxed a bit. He told me he wanted to send me a relationship request. My heart did a triple lundy but I didn't let him know how special he would make me feel. Like we live in a small town and he was shouting in the middle of the Town square "I love you Erica Freckleton and I don't care who knows ". Every day I find something else to love about this beautiful man.
My girlfriend got an unfortunate beaten from the man she loved, he left her with a cracked rib, facial bruises and a growing embryo in her womb. We shook our heads with disgust and then he looked in my eyes and said "I love you more than anything and I will never hurt you", my heart melted and oozed right down to my juicy fruit. He is amazing. Kinda like I'm looking at my former trusting self in the mirror that is he. My heart sings as my soul claps. Thank you for my young God in flesh. I hope, I hope, I hope, With all my little heart this is the new start I dreamed of... I have been so motivated in my reading and writing these days. Thank you for source, I am so grateful for all my good. I'm always in the right place at the right time. And everyday in every way, I get better and better... And I AM always EVA POWAFUL....

By Erica Freckleton

MOTHERS DAY

Today is a happy occasion for some
But for others who lost their mothers
Or have nothing to celebrate in her
A celebration is what they'd prefer
But the situation surrounding mother
Is complex or sick

Being mom is a privilege 
To teach and nurture your seed
Some forfeit this for petty emotions and greed
They let their ugly shine through
And in the process bruise you
With no intent to rebuild the walls they've broken
Or mend the damage from words spoken
Still through struggle we grow strong
Even without our MOM.

By Erica Freckleton

 THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY #18

Today, I awoke with a start, jumped out of my sleep, startled by the phone. I really could have done without that. Anyway this started a chain reaction. I was so annoyed, then my baby decided to go home early. Talk about bad metaphysics, my word. Wasn't a good start for me.
Then jojo's teacher called to say he's decided not to do his school work... Seriously? Anyway off to therapy and as always Ylisa made my day. Weird huh? I use to dread therapy, now I find it mentally therapeutic. I love my therapist, she's the awesomest. The rest of the day things picked up. Got my hair done n spent time with my cousin Camille. Then to top it off, I saw my nephew Matt n my girl Trish... Nothing like good company... Now it's getting late and I need my C Nyce fi cum nice mi up... Lol. There's irony in that too, change is good.  I am always in the right place @ the right time and I AM
Always EVA POWAFUL...

#WAY

SOMETIMES

Sometimes I wish I could just be me
without offending
sometimes I wish people were real
But we're all pretending
Sometimes freedom of expression is cool
Sometimes self control is the rule
sometimes I love what you do
Sometimes it's what you do 
that makes me blue
sometimes

#EWAY

So much to say but it's time to run... It's a beautiful day even without the sun. Cause I got SUNSHINE on a cloudy day.
Hope you do too.. BLESS

THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS # 13

So now  he and I are vibin to "ONE AND ONLY" by Adele.  My True love's song. My metaphysical dream song.
I hope it's OUR song papi. Just yours and mine! So why did my mind just do that? Mar something so beautiful with doubt. A dirty piece of work my mind can be sometime, nursing insecurity- dirty pool - still who wants to play the fool. I'm sure he's nursing a few too, but don't we all experience doubt at some point or another? Hmm word to the mother. Off that.
I am happy when I'm with him, and everyday I crawl more out of my shell, allowing me to be more me.

I love the way he looks at me
And reflects back what he sees
I glow

As this thing grows inside me
He's standing right beside me
Proud as a peacock

He mounts me from the back
Pounding away at my perception

Peeking my curiosity
What kind of love could this be

#EWAY

LET... LOVE... LAST...

THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS #17

Yesterday spilled over into today. I stayed up all night with my boo, loving and snuggling till work snatched him away from my loving arms. The night was definitely HOTT. We made love times over and watched two beautiful movies about love and music. Now he constantly tells me he loves me and I'm beautiful. 
With each act of love and kindness my love deepens
And the freak's peaking out, boy is she!

His love makes me dizzy
His kisses makes my secret place throb
his love sessions leaves me quivering softly
purring like a kitten
Am smitten
Love has taken over me
Like a puppeteer controlling me
Am I still a G
If am oozing all over
Like hot lava
Molten from loves fire
This heat takes me higher
With each thrust
Till BOOM - SPLASH
We spontaneously COMBUST
Ugh!!!

I thought I had forgotten how to love flesh
Cause when love came before it made an awful mess
took my ability to trust or experience desire
But love has healed me
Just MY love really
Now I can feel everything
Sensitive to the touch
Time did her thing
Repaired this Beautiful Butterfly's wing
Then gave something grand
In the form of a man
My king to be sure
And tonight
We will love some more
4 SHO

#EWAY

And I AM always EVA POWAFUL...

THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS #16

Since the other day when I saw Patrick, I have dreaded mothers day. For years now mothers day has held no significance to me since I was never really respected or treated as a mother, and my mother who I once had the utmost respect for, she has let me down so many times that mothers day became a nuisance. Just another sad day. When I saw my uncle Patrick at moms house the other day I was furious, enraged. I wanted to crush him with my car. But my anger with him pales in comparison to the taunting of my mothers betrayal. The most hurtful thing to me is: Mother is so accepting of my rapist. It really doesn't matter what he did to me. I am not important. Me or my feelings or the impact his actions had on my life, my heart, my children, the man I love or my mind. I feel the sting of rejection and have wallowed the stench of betrayal.
But never mind all that.
I hope mother and her rapist brother and who ever else is in cahoots with them enjoy their mothers day. I know I will. But I won't keep your dirty little secret hid, god forbid. What would happen to the unsuspecting kids you're neglecting. It's time for judgement,punishment and closure. Karma will be there soon to bend that ass over. Time for YOUR beating.

Inspite of all the hate, betrayal and neglect surrounding me
I AM still a G
I could be cracked out whored out crazy as shit
But somehow my strength won't have it
I grow more determined with each blow
Each time the sandpaper rubs me
I only get more lovely
They tried to kill the flower
But multiplied her power
No tears for me now
I don't and I won't bow
My head down in shame
Because your ass is lame

Your abuse didn't define me
Matter of fact
Thank you kindly
I developed alligator skin
Now your hate's not penetrating my tough exterior
And my heart stays protected by my inner G
I know you wish you had a heart like E
But keep your blinders and your heart of stone
Focus on your duplicities and leave me alone
Thank you
You've done enough
If you never love me TUFF

#EWAY

There are other damsels left in his wake, who won't speak, but I speak for their sake. I love you both n I overstand...

I AM and will always remain that EVA POWAFUL dame...
LET... LOVE... LAST... LONGER...

THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS # 15

Is it not all you dreamed? Love manifest, or is it?
Why does it only come on roller coasters? Why does my heart feel so tired, so weary? God of all can you hear me, why is something supposedly good so scary? Why does it steal from me? Why do I feel so low and blue. Maybe I should have never given my heart to you. Why does loving you make me hate me? Why does it steal my power and render me weak?

I hate love
Like Toni Braxton and Weezy
Cause Love don't love me
Weak and pathetic, useless emotion
Cherished above all else
Eyes leaking, heart crushed by regret
Am I such a fool to be here again
Pretending my enemy is my friend
Everytime I give in to this treacherous feeling
I find death more appealing
With razor sharp claws
Ripping at my resolve
This stupid ass shit called love
F*** you love
Leave me be
Go fly a kite or climb a tree
Just stay the f*** away from me

Fear = Separation
Love = Sometimes degradation
either way it's a volatile situation
Dramatic, explosive
Lacking in peace

You let love knock you around
Compliments of your yearning
Reaching out constantly
I see you deserve this
Stop chasing things that render you useless

Is this what I wanted
Seems I'll only ruin love
With all my baggage
I just keep scewing love
It's like fight night
No glove
Knocked out the ring
HURRY Pick yourself up
Jump right back in
Chin up next beating
Hold the rope though don't fall
Next week again
You'll rush to give it all

Love will crush you till you fall to pieces and stay there
run and get it now cause it won't be here
See here
My soul it's been crushed
Ran away with love in foolish rush
But love wasn't running away
It was trying to save me

Hmm fools rush in
Desire leads to sin
Love dummed down
And I thought I'd drown

#Eway

My poetry is not always for the faint of heart, but it's always me...
I hope you enjoy the ride and the rush...
And as always I AM EVA POWAFUL TAURUS BULL...

 ·  · Share

TUFF

I love you ERICA
Even your anger
Your righteous indignation
To uncalled for situations
YOU are a G mami
Don't let them fool you
You are wonderful
Kind , thoughtful and honest
Stay true to you
F*** what they promise
You have compromised enough
If they don't love you
Then tuff
Love is suppose to be real
F*** this artificial stuff
Anyway I tried to do it
It was more bitter than sweet
So screw it

#EWAY

·         

I Love You
Author: Dave Lawrie

I never really knew you
You were just another friend
But when I got to know you
I let my heart unbend

I couldn't help past memories
That would only make me cry
I had to forget my first love
And give another try

So I've fallen in love with you
And I'll never let you go
I love you more than anyone
I just had to let you know

My feelings for you will never change
Just know my feelings are true
Just remember this one thing
I will always love you....

#EWAY

THEN why was I hurt n alone last night
When I did everything in my might
to be with YOU

You were all I wanted
so I sorted out my affairs
Told everyone there that I loved you
thought just i had trust issues
But in the end it was you who couldn't trust
and that was the end of us

I walked away but kept bleeding
Didn't stoke the flames
my heart hurts so bad
But there is no one to blame
Should have made better use of the time I had
Had I known our love was a fad
A faze
just an experience really
Up all night hurting alone
With you on my mind
Was all our good loving just wasting time
All I wanted was you in my heart n my bed
The winds of change blew
And swept love away
With all of it's sweet promises
Along with my hopes that love lives
And even though it hurts me to say
I love you either way…

I LIED


I am disappointed in me
When I should celebrate me
I am not a liar still I lied
To hide the thing I'd done
But deeply I was wounded
lying is no fun
Now I'm drowning in my own duplicity
Why lie to you 
I'm just lying to me
So I confessed my sin
But the laughter in his eyes died just then
I felt filthy and rotten
Is all hope forgotten
Say it ain't so
Not when love just started to grow
Cause I wouldn't have confessed
Out of selfishness
It's because my love is true
I refuse to get comfortable lying to you

Let...True... Love... Last

#EWAY

THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS #14

Yesterday I went out with Nitra. I left Brian's (my exhusband) house at about 4pm. Well by 10pm when I hadn't yet returned, he started to behave like we were married again. He was angry because I had been gone longer that he deemed acceptable. I couldn't answer his onslaught of questions, so I hurried him off the phone. He text me poison, I text back apologetically and he didn't answer. so I rushed home to find him gone. Said he was going out for a lil to clear his head (so he wanted me home before he went out to be sure I was in the house) why you f****** lunatic, what's the purpose? Off that.. 2:30 am he comes home drunk with alot on his mind ( notice the time) ready to talk, when I am sleeping. I suppose he didn't like my attitude and my protests that I was tired and he was unreasonable, fell on deaf ears. So he told me be sure you're gone tomorrow. I asked him to help me pack, since I had broken my arm and just had surgery on my left wrist earlier in the month. He told me no in many words. I got up yelling a string of profanities jumped in my car ( I am not suppose to drive )and left. Long story short he is the same man I left and I am glad I don't love him.
I pray with all my heart I can get away this time and with all my belongings in tact and in tow. I felt those feelings of despair and worthlessness, imprisonment, the bars slamming shut, the shackles tightening on my wrist and ankles. I felt alone, stupid, pitiful, hurt and angry, ugly, disappointed, like I wanted to die. Nothing changed, 3 years just passed by and somehow I managed to run back to the place I almost died, to once again be trapped and ensnared by the same demon, via helplessness, injury instead of pregnancy. I have no where to run to again and no one else to help me. My savior and my jailer. I don't understand anything anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel so powerless. I use to feel loved by the creator, but now I feel alone, helpless and hopeless, like I gave away all my power when I walked through his door and the longer I stay here the more weak and powerless I become. On my way back to sickness and misery. I curse that day I put on those skates, I curse the day i got that phone call from Gaat. I can't go back in time and undo these things. I can do nothing in my present state. I can't pack my car I have no where to go and I keep asking for help but I don't see any. I am tired of hoping for something good to happen to me. I do't see any evidence that what I hope for is even possible, in fact there is more evidence of the opposite. I feel weak and downtrodden like I didn't learn or grow at all since I was here last. Why is it that the only man that tried his best to destroy me, is the only one you can find to help me? What ever I've done please forgive me, my heart is in a million pieces, my dreams shattered on the floor. I feel like life is attacking me everywhere I go.
I've lost faith in me. Who am I? such a waste of breath, a quivering mass of leaking, sobbing useless flesh. I want so much to believe in rainbows and butterflies, but I only see them on tv.

Is it wrong to harbor a good thought?
To hope and dream of something good?
Is it wrong to expect my dreams to come true?
Is love, beauty and peace too much to ask for?
Is life worth living, the pain and struggle worth enduring, without good prevailing?
Dry my tears oh great one
Give me a glimse of hope
Help me cope
show me what I'm missing
Cause I know this can't be it
There has to be something better than this

#EWAY

 ·  · Share

METAPHYSICS

The law of the mind never fails. Even when it delivers to us the things and conditions we do not like, it has still functioned perfectly. Our use of it determines our experience, and wise is the man who only thinks rightly. Prayer, scientifically understood, is a statement of physical fact. It convinces us that good alone is true, and right alone is victorious. As we are convinced of these facts, the result are brought into our live by the law of life. The psalmist advises us to delight in the law of the lord, which is the law of mind. He suggests that we think about this law both day and night. We may have what we want but we must think it definitely and continuously, in order to have it made manifest. Thanksgiving in prayer is vital, for it makes us believe we already have our good. When the idea is established within us, it then takes form around us.

I give thanks that there is a perfect law of mind, and that I am able to use it. God responds to me as I responds to him. I now turn to the indwelling spirit and affirm it's presence. I know that that every desire in my heart is being established unto me today. I place desires in the Law of good, and rejoice that It's perfect action is now taking place in me, around me. All this day I remind myself that my demonstration already are made. I give thanks in advance for the answers to my prayers. My whole being is open and receptive to that good which is now arriving on my doorstep.
I rest in the law and meditate upon it's accuracy.

An excerpt from: 365 days of Richer Lining By Ernest Holmes and Raymond Charles Barker

Today is the best day of my life, and I always AM EVA POWAFUL...

#EWAY

THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS # 12

Why do men feel like they are free to do as they please while they imprison the women they claim to love? Is love a prison with steel bars and glass doors
That shatter every time we say no more?
What is all this? 
Unbalanced scales is what you practice.
You don't answer all night and you're sorry. 
I don't answer for half an hour and I'm guilty as sin.
Got me running around to please him
But what about me
Are you too blind to see
I am a person too boo
With feelings just like you
But still I wonder
Did you study the desire that brought you under
Guess whats true for you
Is true for me too
Love looses it's luster on selfish street
Maybe we should watch what we eat
Lies and deceit
killing the rose that grows
from the concrete.

LET... LOVE... LAST... LONGER

#EWAY

THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS # 11

Last night was great. I felt so open and connected to him. 
We stared in each others eyes and played love songs and shared our deepest feelings. I also shared a page or two of my diary with him, exposing my most guarded truths. I felt vulnerable, yet I trusted him with everything.

My heart is fragile
Here hold it
It's yours anyway
I can't control it
You undo my resistance
Unlock me completely
Even I am surprised
At the me I see
Since your love filled my heart
I tried to hold it
But love slipped through my fingers
With no regard
I drink him in with my eyes
Take him in deeply
To the place his love keeps me

Oh, I am getting carried away
Let's get back to today
We didn't make love in the wee hours
But we did
When he pulled me under the covers
Spooning me.
Then we slept peacefully

Umm umm umm
Merrrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
And I AM always EVA POWAFUL

#EWAY

THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS  #10

He likes to look in my eyes and tell me what he wants in a way that brings me under submission. It's a bit frightening to say the least. My heart races now @ the very thought of it. I feel clear and present danger. I gave him what he wanted. Now he knows it works. He knows I will submit to his brazen demands. I use to want to give the things he asks, but locked those things, that part of me away. Until now. Premature ejaculation, that's my best description of that situation. He's an authoritarian though. What a tangled web...

I don't know what I'm doing inner G.

I need you to give me clarity

Make my way clear

My heart and emotions are all caught up

Am straying so far from who I was brought up

But am handing it over to you

Letting it go

I'll just enjoy the ride

See where this goes

What else can I do

To thine ownself be true

Well I like where I am

All is well and all will end well too

Squash your fears

And just be you

Ever powerful  #EWAY

THE BROKEN BUTTERFLY JOURNALS #9

9:45 AM

Am I going crazy? I told him I love him last night and went far beyond where I comfortably dare! He told me if I didn't render certain services he would simply get them elsewhere. I did it. Not because I wanted to, because he pressured me to. I could tell a lie, but to myself I'm true. I don't know if it was the liquor or my inner freak, but I enjoyed letting go and I enjoyed the way it made me feel. Felt like I was going up, up and away ( lol ) till I thought I would burst from all the pressure. I like _. I like the way he makes me feel when we are out together, I like all the attention he gives me. I don't know why his being so god damn comfortable and sure of himself makes me so nervous. He knows so little of me and wants so much from me. I am afraid that one day he will change his mind and leave me feeling a fool. He's so thoughtful, great cook, love music, allows me to be myself and accepts me the way I am and I am not bombarded by any (other) female issues.

Is he just a great player
Is his heart true
Is he all I dreamed of and am just too scared
I suddenly feel so unprepared
What do I do inner G please instruct me
Don't let me love another man that don't love me
Don't let me degrade myself once more
And lose what I've fought so hard for
I deserve to be loved
Please let him be true
Better yet please let him love me like you

Always eva powaful... LET IT BE

#WAY